Prelims

All of my hard work, sweat (lots and lots of sweat!), prayers, preparation, and anticipation for the whole last year of my life led to this day. I had dreams, and nightmares alike, frequently about this very day and what it would feel like to stand on the Miss International stage on the first day of competition. There were some things that I expected, such as the fact that I would be standing among some of the most accomplished and beautiful women in the world on that stage, but other things were completely unexpected. I didn’t expect to have only been able to sleep 2-3 hours a night for the entire week. I didn’t expect to become so close to some of the girls I was competing with in such a small amount of time, some I know will be lifelong friends! I didn’t expect to walk off the stage that first night feeling like a million bucks, smiling as I drifted off for my three hours of sleep before I had to wake up to rehearse all day again and then (hopefully) take the stage a second time for the final competition.

Prior to taking the stage for the preliminary competition I arrived in the dressing rooms a tad before everyone else and then shortly after one other contestant arrived. Since it was just the two of us in the dressing room we got to chatting and she mentioned that she was only competing for fun and as a way to step outside of her comfort zone, and that she hoped that I would win. The first time I heard a fellow contestant make this very comment to me I was baffled, but shortly after I learned that there were numerous girls that I would share the stage with this weekend that didn’t believe that they were worthy or capable of winning. I was honored that she wanted me to win, but it hurt my heart so much to hear those words because I personally know what it feels like to be blessed to be given a title but feel like an imposter representing it. My first title was Miss Bakersfield 2007, and while I did work VERY hard to obtain the title I never truly felt worthy of it. I convinced myself that I just got ‘lucky’ and told myself that after I passed on the title I would put pageantry to rest. Who would have thought that 6 years later I would be holding a state title and then would make the ‘top 10’ at an international pageant?! Why I came back you ask? Well, pageantry has become an incredible source of healing for me. Every single time I step outside of my comfort zone and do something that frightens me (because of insecurities or fear of failure) I realized that I grow slightly more confident and comfortable in my skin. Because of the many speaking engagements, appearances, and events that I’ve taken part in over these last two and a half years as Miss Ventura County International and now as Miss California International, I am a stronger person and I’ve never (ever!) felt more sure of myself! Sure, the insecurities of my past peek out from time to time, but I can assure you that never do I turn down an opportunity to represent my title and platform because of it; I embrace the opportunities and never feel less than thrilled to face them head on.

I shared with my fellow competitor in the dressing room that day that I too didn’t always feel this confident and comfortable in my skin and urged her to at least play with the idea of feeling worthy of winning. I hope that pageantry eventually becomes as life changing for her as it has been for me. I can’t even fathom the thought of who, or where I’d be today had I not made the brave decision to give pageantry another try. My interview skills have significantly improved, I’ve made friends that feel more like sisters, public speaking has (almost!) become enjoyable, and most importantly pageantry has helped me to believe in myself; it truly has been life altering!