A glimpse into my past.

Growing up my parents were domestically violent and addicted to drugs so at a very, very young age I was required to take on a tremendous amount of adult-like responsibility. A majority of my early memories were of things like drug raids, homelessness, unthinkable living conditions, late nights of changing diapers, making bottles, and often times wondering where where my next meal was going to come from.

By the time I reached the 5th grade I felt completely unworthy. I was embarrassed and ashamed of something that I didn't even do. That was when I met my 5th grade teacher who ended up becoming my first and most profound role model. She instilled in me that my parents mistakes didn't have to limit the possibilities of my future and that I was in charge of my destiny. School became my 'safe place' and became a place for me to play, and a place where I could excel. My teacher pushed me to become the best possible version of myself and for the first time ever I began to believe in my potential. That year I studied hard and at the end of the year I was given an award that listed me as the top student in the class. While a measly 5th grade certificate wouldn't be significant to most, to me, it was the biggest accomplishment of my life. That certificate gave me the confidence necessary to strive for every goal that I have since, including my goal of becoming Miss California International!

My past, while it's difficult to face and incredibly hard to talk about, led me to the Big Brothers Big Sisters Organization. During my childhood I felt alone in the adversity I was facing, but now in my adult life I realize that there are a tremendous number of children facing just as controversial experiences. I have made it my mission to recruit mentors for the BBBS Organization to aid in offering these at-risk children stability in an environment where they feel they have no control, and no one to lean on. I am proof that having that one person believe in you can be life altering!

Note to my amazing parents:
While your past may have caused my siblings and I a tremendous amount of turmoil at the time, it ultimately made me stronger! I am a testament that while many children can't change the circumstances that they are facing, they do have the ability to choose how they react to them. I certainly could have used those experiences as a crutch... but I didn't! I used them as learning opportunities to ensure that I didn't repeat the vicious cycle.
I am incredibly proud of the positive changes that you have made to your life!

Update on my parents: both have been clean and sober for over 15 years! My mother is the Executive Director of a drug and alcohol rehabilitation and daily touches lives and inspires those facing the experiences of her past.

The crowns before THE crown.

Winning the 2013 Miss California International crown has been one of my biggest accomplishment yet. I am a true believer that success is possible when preparation meets opportunity. Being crowned Miss California Intl. 2013 did not happen by accident; I owe this success to the trials, tribulations, mistakes, accomplishments, and role models of my past.

At just 18 years of age I entered the Miss Bakersfield pageant, my very first pageant, with the hopes of winning a scholarship to help put me through college. While I didn't walk away with the crown that year in 2004 I did walk away with lifelong friends, a greater self-esteem, and the desire to continue pushing myself to reach my true potential.

In 2007 I was crowned Miss Bakersfield. Looking back, even though I had won the crown, I still felt like something was missing. I had pushed myself to my limits physically and spent a tremendous amount of time volunteering in the community, but I truly never felt comfortable in my skin or in that position. While it was a dream come true, I felt like an imposter constantly playing the role of 'Miss Bakersfield' and never actually believing that I was worthy of it. At the end of 2007 I passed on the torch and crowned my successor. On that December day in 2007 I decided to give up pageants for good.

Fast forward to 2009.

Looking to spice up my life a little I decided to follow my heart when an opportunity arose to move to Santa Barbara, CA. I immediately began researching ways to get involved in my new community and make a few friends and realized that perhaps pageantry was the answer. I soon learned that Santa Barbara did not have a preliminary to the International pageant system and that Ventura was the closest city that did. While my life was still in transition phase from my move, I decided to enter the Miss Ventura County International pageant in 2010 anyway with very little expectation. That year I walked away as the 1st runner up and looking back I'm not surprised because I was still trying to mimic the titleholder and never truly felt worthy of the title. That year though I WAS given an incredible gift... a gift far more valuable than a crown... a gift that since, has not stopped giving. The directors (the Gushwa family) of the Ventura Co. Intl. pageant believed in me!.... which in turn gave me a tiny bit of belief in myself. At the time I was scared to death to share my past for fear of being judged. My amazing platform was volunteering with the elder community which was a passion of mine- but it was also safe and kept conversation far from the discussion of my childhood experiences. The following year I decided to give it another try and once again walked away 1st runner up- that year I decided to switch my platform to Big Brothers Big Sisters (an organization for children facing adversity that I had been mentoring with) but decided to once again steer clear of discussing my childhood.

In March I decided to try ONE more time. I promised myself though that this would be my final year and that I would compete as the true 'me'. For the first time ever I decided to give everyone a glimpse into my past. The past that instilled morals, compassion, and hard work into me; the past that I had always been ashamed of. The Gushwa family pushed me to be the best and most honest version of myself and this year and I was honored to be crowned Miss Ventura County Intl. 2013!